Sunday, February 1, 2009

Behind the Music...that Sucks: Death Metal

It all started long ago in a year known as 1983, a young 15 year old Bryan Warner, later known better as Marilyn Manson, found that normal metal didn't bother people over 30 anymore. So he decided to make it even louder. But first he needed a band. "It was real easy" Warner later recalled, "all I did was find some outcast middle schoolers, pay for 1 lesson, and that was all I did, it was so easy." All he needed was a vocalist. They soon found one: Cookie Monster. "As soon as I saw that audition tape I knew right away he was perfect." We here at Behind the Music that sucks have managed to find this audition tape, which you can view here: produced by Chad Portwine.

And so, the band Death, was born. Bryan Warner was the main songwriter. "We figured, why not make the most violent lyrics possible? And while we're at it, why not throw in the F-word every 2 or so lines?" Their material was so obscure that no copies can be found today. Nonetheless, they developed a small cult following among disaffected freaks and angry teenagers everywhere. But trouble soon brewed. The rest of The Jim Henson project known as Sesame street were getting disillusioned that Cookie Monster was spending more and more time with his side project, Death. Also, the band soon faced a lawsuit from another band, Death. They happened to spring up around the same time. Unfortunately, Death lost the lawsuit to Death. But, the band was highly influential, Cookie Monster started a style of singing that is still imitated today, and surprisingly, it doesn't require gargling razor blades. His experiences in the band, and being the main songwriter, helped turn Marilyn Manson into the freak he is today, and as for the other 2 guys with no musical talent, no one ever heard of them again. Nonetheless, they opened the door to future bands that no one has ever heard of. Although, we at Behind The Music That Sucks, got a chance to interview Chris Barnes, formerly of Cannibal Corpse. My words are in bold while his is in tiny little stick letters of death.

So tell me, how did Cookie monster inspire you?

I wouldn't be here without Cookie Monster, the day I heard his singing is the day I knew what I wanted to do in life.

What about the Musicians?

That was mind blowing to me, I mean, they all played something completely different, when the drums are doing one thing and the guitars are doing a completely different thing, you know?

Yeah. (picks up guitar, plays some random chords with no rhythm or anything)

That was really good, can I use that?

I didn't do anything

Sure you did. It sounds like something I'd play.

Hey, get that Goat out of here, there will be no sacrifices on my watch.

Aw, Comon.

No, I don't want your Satanic crap in here.

Alright, fine.

What do you think of Christian Death Metal?

That exists?

Yes, it does

Wow, that's surprising.

Can you tell me how do you play drums in Death Metal?

Oh, its easy, all you do is hit the drums as fast as you can, it doesn't matter what you do, theirs really no wrong way. Just slam the cymbals and bass drum alot.

Okay, then play me a blast beat


(He stepped up to the drum set we had and started playing. Until the drumsticks flew out of his hands and went through the glass in the door.)



From there, nothing much happened, all in all it was a pretty awkward interview. Of course, no one can beat the greatest Death Metal band to ever live, Slipknot.


Anonymous said...

wow. what was that? did you really write that or did you get it from somewhere else?

Jacob said...

Yes, I thought of it one day while walking in a circle in the garage, I thought of the whjole thing all the way through in about 20 minutes. I dont think I was dizzy.